The Cube-a-door

It is with great sadness that I must report the demise of one of my favorite things...my cube door.

I was then disheartened to learn that the guys at cubedoor.com don't appear to be in business any longer. So I turned to my trusty web-browser and found an exceptable substitute...

I wonder if anyone has ever tried this?  It looks way simpler than the sideways shutter-mounted piece from the other company.  Plus, it offers free shipping.   I think I'm gonna try it out.

Before I even reach the door...

Dear Security at Work,

Could I please have a few minutes of your time?

With a decrease in the “available” parking spots for able-bodied, non-pregnant employees, it irritates me to no end to see this when I come to work in the morning.  Surely this person has issues parking?  I can’t imagine someone being this arrogant.  Will you please locate this employee and remind him/her of our policy?

If you like this post, you may find this one entertaining, too:
http://workdusoleil.blogspot.com/2011/04/pregnant-ladies-are-not-disabled.html

Some of my favorite things at work: The Cube Door

My cubicle is my home away from home. I find it rude when someone just walks right in and interrupts me.  Why not seek out a product to help you establish a boundary and keep you on task?

The answer is a cube door. Yes, my cube has a door!  This invention has been around for almost 10 years and it was such a good idea, they frequently run out of models.  I also noticed that they have decided to move their manufacturing to the United States (not America, but the USA, they mean different things) and for this I give them 2 thumbs up, but don't just take it from me...

Everyone will love this at your office!  For that reason, I have to warn you that once you put this up; there will be an initial influx of inquiries.

"Where did you get that?"

"Are you busy!?!  Haha!"

"I want one"

Those were some of the comments my co-workers made to me.  But, restrain yourself from the obvious no-shit-sherlock responses.  It's pretty self-explanatory what it means and they'll get it eventually. All of the responses I have received at work have been positive, all the way up to the VP level.  I definitely recommend you get one and keep yourself focused on work instead of spending your days recovering from interruptions.

They are around $18 each.  Next on my search...is a roof for my cube...

No trolls allowed

troll
VERB: trolled, troll·ing, trolls
VERB: tr.
Slang To patrol (an area) in search for someone or something:

One day I was working on a project and I noticed a new manager trolling around my desk.  Now keeping trolls away has always been one of my specialties.  When it comes to keeping trolls out, I've used a combination of tools, mean looks, and frank call-outs to keep those little suckers at bay.

Among the tools, my favorites are the headphones and the wall.  Headphones are just the thing to make you look super busy at work.  It either says, "Shh, I'm on a meeting" or "I'm really focused right now, don't bother me".  If you work for a while with headphones on, you'll notice that people are super cautions about interrupting you...even the trolls.  Even if the troll is nervous about responding to you, you don't want to ignore him.  If you ignore him, he might walk in your cube and tap you on the shoulder.  Eeew.  That then makes it necessary to use the wall.  Any type of wall will do.  You can shut your office door, request facilities make your cube wall higher, purchase a cube door, or just put a chair in your doorway with a sign on it that says you're working on something for your boss.  Personally, I use the cube door, and my boss loves it.  Don't be afraid to state your boundaries!

Alas, there will come a time when you have to get out of your cube for a break, or a meeting...will he be waiting?  If either of your two cube neighbors have left the area, he will be waiting.  Why?  Because he's a limp-dicked punk.  He doesn't want anyone to hear what he has to say to you.

"I just want you to know that you're looking very nice today, and it is very much appreciated."

Eeew! How gross.  Only my BOSS should appreciate my professional appearance, and I don't think that's what he was appreciating.  How about, "Nice shoes" or "That's a pretty color" like everyone else does.  Something told me this was more of a habit this dude had developed over time and the words he didn't choose in this case told me more about his personality than the words he did choose.

Consequently, I told a trusted woman outside of work and asked what she would do.  I indicated I would NOT go to HR about this because that kind of move has always ended badly for anyone I've known who did it.  She mentioned that I was likely not his only target.  Notice I don't use the word victim here.  I am not a victim.  I'm   just grossed out and repulsed at this troll that won't leave me alone and to top it all off, I'm pissed off because I have work to do and I don't have time to mess with this crap.

One day, I see the troll-man sitting at our administrative assistant's desk. Our admin is an older Puerto Rican lady with a thick New York accent.  I politely wait for him to leave and I sent her an email asking the man's name.  And, as any secretary worth her salt would do, she tried work the details out of me.  Like I said, I really didn't want the issue spread around as gossip, so I just told her there was a potential matter for HR, but I needed to know his name before I cold address it.

It was then that this Long-Island Latina let loose! I wasn't alone! She apparently had enough of his crap about a week before I said something to her and she told him off but good.

"You are way out of line, mister.  A married man like you shouldn't be going around the office paying attention to single ladies!"

Well who though it? She was one of his targets, too!  After that, the troll-man hasn't said so much as hello to me.  I still have a lot of work to do, but now I don't have to feel so gross about a scrawny little married man passing judgement on my attire with naughty insinuations.  Trolls out there, don't try it.  My secretary will kick your ass.

(used from funnyjunk.com)

If you want to brainwash me at work...

Then give me some good drugs or a free fitness membership at Lifetime Fitness, because you won't get me to do Corporate Drumming, willingly.  I am a DBA.  I am impervious to emotional appeals and Pavlovian conditioning.

If you haven't ever heard of Corporate Drumming, I'd consider yourself lucky.  It's one of those team-building exercises that starts with a "Leader" that is usually a musician who has so much energy that he must have been mainlining coffee and nicotine in the company basement for a few days.  This is not your typical, small-on-talk, just-provides-the-beat combo drummer.  This is a hired brainwasher that is there morph you into a conglomerate amorphous mass of sound, drowning out the sound of our own heartbeat.  Remember this...there will be a speech to follow.

Don't let my condescending remarks about the drummer fool you.  These are usually pretty good musicians and make a good display of talent to get you cheering and clapping for their performance.  Honestly, good drum combos are rare, and these guys are usually really good.  Once they get you clapping it's like the old salesman's trick of asking you a question you'll say, "Yes," to. Then they try to get you clapping in sync.  If you get to this point, you're past the point of turning away and leaving the brainwashing session.

Don't use the "I forgot my drum" excuse, because you'll notice they've already provided them for you.  I have been a musician for years, and I've never been provided with a free instrument.  This immediately made me suspicious to walk into a room of free drums.  Once again, it's the old salesman's trick of placing something shiny in front of you that you will touch, so he can lay his line on you.  And if you're worried about sounding bad, they've already thought of that for you.  The audio will be jacked up so loud, that you can't really hear yourself think, much less drum.

Then once they have you worked up into a frenzy, drumming the crap out of yourself...they lay the company line on you that they want to you to tow.  I must admit it's a new implementation of the "Bandwagon" tactic of advertising.  A company must fulfill its objectives and are responsible for empowering their employees to do so.  They want to make money and we want to have jobs.

So what's my beef?  They are using MUSIC to mimic the dynamics of orchestrating a business environment.  If this is so true, then why aren't musicians some of the richest 1% of our society like our business owners in the USA?  It's a fallacy of false cause.  Just because your employees are drumming doesn't mean you have control of your business environment.  And just because you have control over your business environment, doesn't mean you have a group of undiscovered drummer savants in the wings of your accounting department.

Music is special to me.  It's also a form of self expression.  Being forced to participate in crap like this makes me feel like I did when they let all the kids finger-paint blobs and call it art in kindergarten after my artist grandma taught me to watercolor trees and flowers.  Corporate America - you were doing much better with trying to get your employees to work out and eat better.  You might want to go back to that for better results.

Pregnant Ladies are not Disabled

Crippled people are disabled.  My father had Muscular Dystrophy.  That's a chronic, debilitating disease that caused him pain every step he took his whole life.  That's why the disabled get to park at the front of businesses.

For some reason, this office has decided that pregnant girls have a problem getting into the building.  Funny, I don't see someone come out to the car and place them in a wheelchair like they do for the lady in tech support who is a paraplegic.

The last time I had to take a parking spot on the back row, I walked in with a mouth full of dirt, covered in grass that blew into my face from the corn field next to us.  I was pissed to see two empty expectant mother spaces right up front.  In fact, these spaces have been empty every day for the past 2 months.  If this company can't get enough parking spaces for the regular folk, then I vote those extra 2 "expectant mother" spots can go.  Last time I checked, we get to work from home and the company will pay your Internet bill.

Timing...

OMFG - I just had to explain to a project manager why its better to keep repeatable scripts in a file rather than email the commands around for a project.  < head desk >

Shoulda waited a few minutes to make that last entry in order to find something funny in the day!